An Imagined Conversation With Instagram

A croissant, a stack of Polaroids of the Eiffel Tower, a Dior lipstick case, and a single red rose.

Me: Man, how about this weather? Sure is hot today!

Instagram: You know what would be the perfect way to cool off? A soft-serve ice cream cone.

Me: Ooh, that does sound good.

Instagram: Don’t eat it though, just hold it. With a stiff, outstretched arm in front of a whimsical mural on a decaying brick wall.

Me: That doesn’t sound as good.

Instagram: You’re right, soft serve doesn’t sound good. In fact, it sounds... dirty. #EATCLEAN #FITFAM #EATCLEANTRAINDIRTY #WERKBITCH #SMOOTHIECLEANSE #SWEATITOU —

Me: STOP IT.

Instagram: By “stop it” do you mean “pose for a belfie while doing squats in see-through neon leggings?” because that’s what I’m going to do now.

Me: What’s a belfie? Wait, actually I don’t want to kn —

Instagram: A butt selfie.

Me: Dammit.

Instagram: Would you like to see an artfully arranged vignette of macarons, vintage maps, and Ray-Ban aviators?

Me: Sure, I guess, but why?

Instagram: Because WHY NOT?!

Me: Huh. That is weirdly pleasing to look at. What else you got?

Instagram: A croissant, a stack of Polaroids of the Eiffel Tower, a Dior lipstick case, and a single red rose.

Me: Preeeettttttty! More!

Instagram: A ham and cheese sandwich deconstructed and organized into a color-coded grid like a Mondrian painting.

Me: Yep. Into it.

Instagram: A charming third world orphanage as seen through a thin, white missionary’s thigh gap.

Me: Hmmm... that one is not great. Have you ever heard of “white savior complex”?

 

At first, she was scared of my white skin. But I know we will learn each other. We are bound together by spirit and our humanity. And now, by cloth. I feel like mothering all of this country's children. I was chosen for this! #babygotback #mybackthatis  #tickettoride #morningworkout #trim4Him #squatdatot #notmybaby #yet

A photo posted by Barbie Savior (@barbiesavior) on Mar 21, 2016 at 6:01am PDT

Instagram: No, but save your haughty lectures for another day. We have something much more important to discuss.

Me: What?

Instagram: IT’S NATIONAL DONUT DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Oh my god. Seriously?

Instagram: This is dead serious. Where is your donut? GET YOUR DONUT. YOU NEED A DONUT.

Me: You know National Donut Day is not a real thing, right? The “national” part makes it seem like a real thing but it’s definitely not a real thing. Flag Day is more of a real holiday than National Donut Day, and no one even knows what Flag Day is.

Instagram: JUST SHUT UP AND POST A PHOTO OF YOURSELF WITH A DONUT.

Me: Fine.

Instagram: Make sure you look skinny, though.